Take One Lemon.....

I cannot resist the temptation to dedicate this diary entry to the “artist” who treats us, here at Beverley Knowles Fine Art, to the great depth of his art historical insights every few weeks. Oh, your most recent visit this Friday was such a joy. What was it you said as you were looking at Margaret Harrison’s Take One Lemon (1971) ….. ah yes…“that’s not bad”!

“Yes” I replied rather tartly, “it’s a limited edition print, one of which is in the Tate Collection.”

“oh, right” you responded with your usual quick wit and ready repartee, “I could draw that in ten minutes I could”. Well, what you lack in charisma you certainly make up for in originality you bearded moron. In the wake of such greatness I can barely contain my excitement at the anticipation of your next jaunt down Golborne Road. I shall have to while away the hours with fantasies of how our next meeting might proceed….

Perhaps when next you offer to knock out a quick reproduction in under ten minutes, I shall repair briefly to the store room and emerge brandishing an A2 sketchbook, a generous selection of H and B pencils, perhaps a small box of watercolours (silly me I’m getting carried away!), with which I shall invite you to demonstrate your no doubt extraordinary and certainly much spoken of talents of high speed draughtsmanship… against the clock….

We could make it even more fun perhaps if Emily, Rebecca and I sing dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur… pow, a la Richard Madley, as the seconds disappear…

If that fails to deter you, I thought the next stage might be to get some locks fitted to the front door that could be triggered by a button beside my desk. The minute I see your unhinged face and ludicrous hat beaming at the window the place will go into shut down the likes of which could begin to resemble something from the wilder reaches of Ian Fleming’s imagination.

My chief concern with this plan however is that the letter box could remain vulnerable – you might consider slithering in that way.

A more comprehensive, and therefore better plan, might be to dig up the pavement outside the gallery and plant a number of powerful incendiary devises right outside the door. Then, via a series of carefully placed mirrors and cctv cameras, and complex audio alarm systems, we could ensure that you be identified by the system the minute you enter Bevington Road. As you approach, the button shall be pressed and the entire Ladbroke Grove area incendiarised and in one fell swoop your visits be terminated for ever!

I have thought long and hard about the question of whether such a plan might be considered a touch over the top, not least by the surrounding businesses, but after a great deal of very careful consideration, I think, not. No, I think that’s the only suitable course of action. I shall implement the plan first thing on Monday morning.