I heard yesterday from a dear girlfriend who, I now discover, is a rubbish source of Hoxton / Hollywood gossip, that Sam Taylor Wood is seeing Zac Efron. I was like, no way, Zac Efron is, like, seventeen. How wrong could I be? A bit of googling informs me that Zac Efron is in fact twenty-two years old and as such perfect toyboy pickings. But it’s of no consequence because it transpires that Sam Taylor Wood is not dating Zac Efron, but is in fact dating some guy called Aaron Johnson. Apparently Aaron Johnson appeared in a teen movie called Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging. I saw this movie on the plane back from India. Strangely, I can’t remember what happens in it.

The key fact is though that Zac Efron, star of Me and Orson Welles, looks like a baby faced Marlon Brando. Aaron Johnson slightly less so. But no matter. That he doesn’t look like Lily Allen counts for much.

It’s important to note that there are certain rules of engagement with this sort of thing - the toyboy thing that is. To claim that love knows no bounds is naïve and frankly a little tired. These days, if you’re an older man having an affair with a bimbo half your age, you’re stomping around in fairly passé territory. This argument though is particular only to the bimbo genus. If the female concerned is a thirty-something educated, articulate, demi-goddess, for example, then having an affair with an older man is just fine. However, as a forty-something glamorous, sexy and confident woman about town, taking a hot young toyboy is not only just fine, it is super cool. When I’m ready to take a toyboy - you don’t simply have a toyboy darling, you take one - I will be insisting on one golden rule: he will be at least as beautiful as me at all times. The whole point of a toyboy is that he is, first and foremost, a source of aesthetic wonderment, not just pleasing to the eye, but stomach churningly exquisite. He must, of course, also have a sense of humour, but if he doesn’t look like a Greek God to boot then really, no amount of wit is going to be enough. Zac Efron fits the bill perfectly. Who even cares if this guy is funny.

Anyway, ahem, back to the film review. Sam Taylor Wood has executed what could prove to be a seamless transition from film making as key element in her multi-disciplinary concept driven Turner Prize nominated art practice, to film as populist feature length movie, with the release of her, as they say, ‘directorial debut’, John Lennon biopic Nowhere Boy, staring… you guessed it, Aaron Johnson as Lenny. For me, there’s always a huge hurdle to overcome with movies about people whose faces are iconic. It’s almost impossible to suspend disbelief. And anyway, why would you want to? Me and Orson Welles on the other hand is a cracker. And not just because of Zac Efron. Although, let’s face it, mainly because of Zac Efron. And because of Orson Welles. Oh yes, Orson Welles. Him too.